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Friday, July 30, 2010

Will everything change

The time you message me, the time you show me care and support when I am down, the time when I feel so lost and you show me the path, is everything going to come to an end? You are so different from the way you chase me and after we are together. I try not to think about it, but even my friends noticed it and asked me is there any problem. Our relationship does not have any problem, I guess both of us are more independent type even though we are couple up? I don't blame you for anything as you are the one who make me feel wanted and happy during this time. But is my love towards you is illusion for you? Perhaps our LDR really doesn't work so I am putting any blame on you, as you are a great guy. Hope everything will be fine for you ~~

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Busy Busy

Yeah, sorry for the not posting anything as I have been super duper busy with my thesis. Real world company collaboration with my uni, sure I have to do my best isn;t it? Besides my supervisor even chooses me to undergo MQA accreditation, which make me more headache haha.
Yesterday I even hang out with my high school senior and the first thing she asked me was ' What happen to you? Why do you become like this? It's such a waste !!!'. Of course at first I wouldn't know what she mean but when I turned and say my sister giving her evil smile, I knew she told my senior !!. Well it wasn't really a big stuff but I was given lectures for few hours and which lead me to think back for real. I know it sound absurd but sometimes I do consider myself in the ' confusion + disappointment' case for being a gay guy. I watched handsome and great guys in awe, admire them and even think * XXX * ( LOL, joking ) with them but those that make me a gay guy? What if my senior is right about the confusion and disappointment? Can I really be back into a normal and straight guy? I am certain no one would want to be a gay person in the first place right? Well, I guess we have to let time do their job again ain't it?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Ah Long

My cousin sister borrowed money from Ah Long !!!!!. Omg how could this happen, I hate Ah Long so much >< . I just got the news today and my parents told us that they got to know it from our relatives from hometown. Well my cousin sister is a very nice person and quite soft however THAT is the cause of downfall. Her bf whom I totally hate so much as he is a drinker, smoker, gambler and don;t know how many more shitness I can dig out from him started everything. It seems that my cousin sister has been supporting him financially even though she herself is not that rich and she can even bear with him when that stupid guy always break her heart. Recently, the bf's parents saw a house and ask the son to buy it for them. And the bf can ASK my cousin sister to buy it for them in his place. When my cousin sister told him that her financial has run dry, he persuaded her to borrow from AH Long!!! What type of human and guy is that? How can he just ask my cousin sister who is his girlfriend to borrow money from Ah Long? Seriously if I ever see this guy on the road, I am gonna bang him with my car and squash him under it. Now my parents and other relatives are thinking on how to take care of the matter as my cousin sister borrow RM 10K and in return, every month she got to pay the Ah Longs RM1.2k per month for a year. This matter really gives us headache by unintentionally LOL. Hope everything goes well for her. I don't want her to lose her life because of one stupid guy. Wish her all the best luck. Support her anyway I can if i could but my parents forbid me to do so as they say it will drag me into the matter too. Sob Sob for her ~~

Friday, July 9, 2010

Organ Donor

This is what I had on my mind when playing with my beloved Snow~~ ( my dog ). The idea just come spontaneously and I told my mum like this :

Me : Mum, if next time I die hor, I wanna be organ donor ~~

Mum: * Drop the plate for a moment * " Har? You serious? "

Me : " Ya, why not, nothing wrong what, some more can save people life mah "

Mum : " Eh don't la, you know or when after we die this will happen ...................... ( my mum starts talking about the Buddhism stuff about after life to me as she is very religous )

Me : " I don't care, die mah die lo, if can help people then I will do so. Take me register next week when I back from Uni "

Mum : * Speechless*

Muahaha I win my mum in this matter. Actually it's not a bad idea right? There are so many people who are in need for organs and I just doing what I can do to ease their pain and suffering. Even Snow agree with me by wagging his tail and snuggle into me~~ !!!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Memories

I read a news about DJ Tiesto today and said that he passed away in a road accident. It's so sad and pity for a talented and great DJ just leave us just like that. You can read the news at here ( don't know true or not)
http://recentissuetoday.com/headline/6463/dj-tiesto-dead-dj-tiesto-died-in-car-accident/
Whenever there are news about anyone passed away, I will have a memory about something that happen to me when I was only 8 years old. I always get upset about this matter and guess nothing can take my guilt away.

I had a good neighbour which treated my family well when I was a kid. The neighbour has 2 sisters and one of them treat me just like her little brother and the other one just brush me off. So I will named the nice sister as Sister J and the bad sister Sister K. Sister J and I had a very close relation as she does not have a little brother and my sister doesn't really bothering me that much and probably that is the reason why both of us get so close. Everyday she would take me to school, waited me to finish my class and hold my hand to cross the road, treat me foods and drinks that I liked, bring me to the park and so much more. However this does not last long for HER as she is involved in a road accident because of ME.

That evening I was just coming back from school and while I am in the bus, I drew a picture of Sister J and me holding hands and smiling happily. By the time I finished drawing, the bus was in front of my house and there is she, waiting for me to take me back home. I was eager and did not pack my crayons properly and while we were crossing the road, my crayons fell off and rolled over to the middle of the road. She asked me to wait for her when she helped me to take those crayons and that is when all goes wrong. She managed to pick the crayons up and was walking back to me when a BUS hit her and run just like that. I was totally shaken, shocked and stunned watching her get hit and bleeding all over. I still remembered that people are screaming for help and she still managed to pass me those crayons with a SMILE and that is when she said, " Don't cry Danny Boy, it's ok. Sis is going first and will protect you from up there. Be strong and I will be happy to know that you are safe".
That is when her family came and started shouting and scolding me. I just stood there like a retard and my parents was like " Calm down boy, calm down, sis is going to be just fine". When we reached at the hospital, everything was too late and the sis's mum was scolding at me saying I am the black sheep and disgrace to people. She keep on screaming at me, cursing me non stop which make me feel more guilty. I told Aunt S that I am so sorry and saying it's truly my fault while my parents defended for me. What I remember after that was the whole week was havoc as both of our family waged war and in the end, I told my parents, ' Let's move ' and we moved. Aunt S never even let me give my final respect to her saying I will dirty her and so on which I don't even bother listening. But for my whole life, I have been in guilty and the feeling will be triggered when I read or see something in common. If only I am not careless, Sister J probably had grown up into a beautiful lady with an angel like smile and have a good , warming family. I will never be able to forgive myself even though she said that everything is ok. Will I be able to let go of myself from this guilt? Perhaps or not...

Monday, July 5, 2010

Second Week

This is my second week at my new campus and I feel so dehydrated over here. The weather is so freaking hot and unbearable which make Chinese people like me will get skin burn or skin sensitive or whatsoever LOL. I once had my skin burn during my National Service and it's totally hurts and you can feel the heat burns just as your finger touches the skin due to the sensitiveness that mostly Chinese people had, I guess. The skin will get so dry and the whole part will show signs of reddish and really irritating haha. Not even the sunblock with SPF 50 can block it ~~ I am getting darker day by day which make my fairness gone !! ~~ Besides, the internet connection at my uni is like snail or worst, make me can't even find research for my thesis title ( sob ). Btw my dear uni also reopen today and both of us are busy preparing stuff which make us hardly chat through online nowadays. Guess everyday we have to sms and call to fill up the emptiness inside of us haha. That's all for now, gtg to take my dinner and start finding journals for thesis. All the best to everyone out there ~~

Saturday, July 3, 2010

My Coming Out Experience Again

Surely it would be a trouble and fuss when your family gets to know about your sexuality. In my case, I keep get nagging and pestering from parents especially my mum who always said

Mum :" Why do you want to be a gay? Outside there no more pretty girls? "

Me : " This is me. I am just like this, it's not a matter that if I want to change I could. And besides I am happy with myself and my life right now. "

Mum : Don't you know getting in a relationship with a guy you can have all those disgusting disease like AIDS? Next time when you get old with those disease who is going to help you? "

Me : So you mean if I get together with a girl I won't get AIDS? Besides I am not that stupid to not using protection when having sex."

Mum : " Still I find it totally wrong and songsang. Guys should be with girls , not same sex. "

Me: " *Speechless for a while*. This is my life ma, and I know how hard for you to accept who am I. But what I can say is that currently I am happy with my life and I find no regrets. Just let me be who I am can? "

Mum : " I don't care, I will find you some girls. You are not ugly and in fact good looking, so it wouldn't be a matter to find some. Talk to you next day "

Me : * Totally speechless*

This was my conversation between my mum and me. Whenever both of us are alone, she will bring up the matter and try to adjust me ( her say ) which is so irritating.
On my dad side, he wasn't that conservative and old minded. He just tell me " It's your life and you choose the path, I can't stop you. But don't bring your bf back home" ( My dad is funny haha ).

Well, I know both of them are kinda disappointing as one of their child is a gay, but Dad and Ma, no matter what I still love both of you regardless of everything that happen.

Friday, July 2, 2010

3 months ~~

Tomorrow would be the third month since we couple up. ~~ Even though the time is still short but every minute is worth treasure and every argument is just bringing us more closer and understanding than ever. No matter what, I will try my best to be the one for you dear.

Happy Anniversary Dear ~~ Love You ~~